Everything you wanted to know about nothing.

So, kids, you know how Mom said you should probably leave anything that makes you sound vaguely crazy out of your resume. Well, it turns out that advise is bullshit. I found out through a friend at Caltech who was friends with a lab partner I had this last summer (complicated, ain't it?) that apparently I can at least partly thank my movie-making escapades for having said lab job in the first place. I had included in my resume that I was the founder of Loverly Day Films, and had listed the films we had made up to that point. Apparently this is what made my resume stand out from the other applicants, because as the professor who hired me apparently put it, "I've got to meet the guy who runs a company that makes ninja movies." Yes, despite what you've been told, your actually useful and marketable skills aren't the key to money and success, it's the hobbies you should have given up when you were 12. I love life.

So, I'm beginning to suspect that my house may have previously been owned by criminals of some kind.  This suspicion is fueled by two pieces of evidence.

First, there is a safe in the floor of my mother's closet.  A locked safe.  Under the carpet.  Which we wouldn't even have known was there if the previous owner didn't find it while doing touch-up work to sell the house.  What's in it?  I have no idea, but I'm definitely drilling it open before we move.

Second, there is a hidden megaphone.  Behind the air-vent until the air-conditioner.  In a small crawlspace behind said air-vent.  Connected to the house's electrical wiring.  Meaning that it always has power and needs no batteries to operate.

I've tried to figure out benign explanations for these things, but am really at a loss in proposing an answer.  Even if we assume my criminal's theory, both things are still really weird.  Ideas?

So, I was briefly back in Austin this last weekend for Eric's graduation, and it was a great, but all too brief, break from school.  I got to see a lot of people I hadn't seen in a long time, and the ceremony and dance brought back a lot of memories.  Discovering that people suddenly really digged my dancing was kind of nice as well.  I must say that it was a new experience for me to have ten people all follow me onto the dance floor and attempt to mimic my moves, all the while expressing amazement at both their variety and that I was even physically capable of the shifts in balance many of them required.  I even had Abby express the sentiment that my dancing must be what you experience when you die and go to heaven, and she couldn't wait to get there :)

Man, I can't wait to be back for good in a few weeks, seeing friends, shooting my movie, and having a great time.  Be sure to hit me up if you want to see me at some point.  Oh, and Mere, this is for you.  Trust me, it's not scary, it's beautiful and amazing :)  I'll have to show you the rest sometime.

Dragonball Z Action Figure:



This just goes to show that in theory doesn't always equal in practice.  Oh, and also to never be too literal.

So, I'd heard from several sources that Indian weddings can often be crazy affairs with like 500+ people.  Apparently, that's just scratching the surface.  I just saw one where they hired a friggin' ELEPHANT.  Yes, an actual, real live elephant.  At a wedding.  I started trying to figure out where exactly you would rent such a thing, how much demand there would be for it, how said rental business could stay economically viable, and I pretty quickly accepted that there are some things in life that will forever leave me confused and bewildered.  Willikers!

In other news, I'm definitely coming home this summer, so movie-making and fun times will be had.  I've been thinking that's its been a really long time since I've done certain things that I used to do yearly, like Schlitterbahn or the Renaissance fair.  This summer, epic adventures must be arranged, my routine is becoming too stale.  Ideas?

I've really missed everyone and can't wait to see you all!  Let me know if and when you'd like to get together in a month or so here.

Don't watch this if you're easily creeped out (I'm serious!).  It's like the guy from phantasm and blue velvet all rolled into one <shudder>.


After seeing that, who would you guess this guy is?  Former kid's show host?  Former late-night host?  Registered sex offender?  If guessed any of them, sadly, you win.  This guy's got over a hundred videos on youtube for crying out loud.  And people complain about youtube being a podium for teenagers doing stupid shit, if they only knew...

Well, third time's the charm as they say, and the third film of Loverly Day Films is our biggest and best production yet.  Shot in gorgeous HD with a dedicated cameraman, featuring a cast of nine, with two of them actually being females, this epic clocks in at 30 minutes and is a nonstop laugh and thrill ride.  Either that, or I'm talking out my ass, but I think you'll really enjoy our product.  Sadly, youtube does somewhat diminish the glory that is this masterpiece, as we had to compress the movie to post it, which greadly reduced the picture quality, we had to split it into three parts due to length requirements, and there are a few glitches in the movie that could still stand to be ironed out.  If you enjoy the movie, remember to tell all your friends to watch it, and tell them to tell all their friends, etc.  If you really like it, and want to see it in its full glory, undiminished by length and compression issues, let me know.  For a small $5 donation, you can have your very own DVD copy of the movie (cast members will receive one free copy).  These DVDs won't actually be available until spring break, but if you let me know now I'll remember to get you one then.  So, without further ado, sit back and enjoy our loving tribute and riffing of such classics as Scooby Doo and The Hardy Boys!

Sometimes life is pretty cool.  And sometimes life is a weird crashing noise coming from the hill behind you.  It is then that you realize that someone has dislodged a stump from said hill, which nearly fell and hit you in the head, not to mention said person almost falling down the hill themselves and crashing into you (I'm not naming names; you know who you are).

Also, remember the effectiveness of night, dark clothes, shadows, and foliage in concealing your location.  If you don't, you just might end up stuck behind a wall of ivy for fifteen minutes, mouth agape as people stare straight at you from five feet away, all to no avail.

So, apparently, I featured prominently in somebody else's dream recently.  I'm sure I've popped up in people I know's dreams from time to time, but this is the first time I know for certain that I did, since the person in question's dream actually made enough of an impression on her that she related it to me.  She's the costume designer and make-up person for our theatre program at Caltech, and I don't know her that well, but we've become friends fairly quickly.  So, the other day at a post-show party, she tells me about this dream she had featuring me.  Apparently, she was at this club in west hollywood, and a Delorean wrapped in styrofoam pulled up at the club, and nine people exited the vehicle.  I was the leader of this posse.  At this, she asked me, "What are you doing in a Delorean?"  To which I replied, "Dude, who doesn't own a Delorean."  And that's all she remembered.  This dream is hilariously surreal and awesome by itself, made more so by I actually would have probably said something like that if I was in that actual situation.  Still, I'm a little weirded out by the whole thing because I only met her recently, and I don't usually think of myself as someone noticable enough to appear in a few-weeks-old aquaintance's surreal dream.  Life is truly bizarre sometimes.

So, I'm a little pissed right now.  Hollywood totally stole an idea I had for a movie, but they're doing it in the shittiest way possible.  I'd thought that with 2012 and the end of the world coming up (those Mayans are never wrong), it'd be neat to make a movie about this date.  Clearly, the cool way to do it would be to have the movie set in the months before the dreaded date and follow various groups of people and their reactions to the possible end of the world.  You'd have scientists monitoring weird astronomical activity, you'd have people holding parties, joining cults, committing terrorists acts, the government trying to seize power via the coming chaos, engineers trying to evacuate to Mars, etc.  The movie would end right at midnight on the date of destruction, and the audience wouldn't know what actually happens because the whole point of the movie would be an examination of how people react to an uncertain future and the possibility of death at any time.  This, clearly, would be an awesome movie.  And then along comes Roland Emmerich, the director of such "classics" as Independence Day and Godzilla (the American one), and he decides to make an absurd disaster movie about this date, where we are treated to scenes such as Buddhist monasteries high in the Himalayas being destroyed by tidal waves 5 miles high.  And these directors have work and I don't because?

Today (Yesterday technically), we witnessed history.  We witnessed the future.  Well done, America.  Thanks for making this a country I can maybe start to be proud of again.

For those of you who're not yet convinced that all politics is pointless, watch this.  For those of you who are, watch and laugh (and cry).

Wow, I haven't posted in a while.  Caltech has really been eating up all my time.  This depresses me, as I feel like so many things that are important in my life are getting thrown by the wayside.  I don't have time for my friendships, and I'm seriously wondering about the direction I want my life to take.  I've really been getting interested in both writing and film-making, and Caltech is lacking in both these regards.  I want to write on my story and movie script, but I don't have the time.  I want to learn Maya and Final Cut, I want to read and watch movies, I want to see all the people who've become just ghosts on the internet and hang out like the out days.  I miss everybody, and I just feel this emotional void in my life right now.  I'm also constantly paranoid that I'm saying stupid shit and fucking up the relationships I do have.  I know that people like me and are understanding of my occasional foot-in-mouth, but I get worried nonetheless.  I just sometimes feel like everybody else is so much closer and they're always doing stuff and I'm the guy who's left out, not because he's unwelcome, but just because he's somehow not as much a part of the group.  Every break I tell myself I'm going to see everybody and do all this fun stuff, but it somehow doesn't happen, and then everybody seems to doing all this cool stuff when I'm not around.  When I get back in December, I want to see everybody, and I want feel like I belong.

When did life get so complicated, sigh?

I've decided to start a comic. Issues will be entirely based on whatever the hell I feel like, although I'm tentatively giving it the title of Postmodernism, Metaphysical Bullshit, and Me. Issues will also be sporadic, as I have time or ideas. Enjoy!

So, guess what?  Ray Harryhausen has a facebook account!  For some reason I find this the most awesome revelation I've had in quite some time.  I'd friend him except he's 88 and only has one other friend, so it might be kinda weird.  Oh, and if you're like, who's Ray Harryhausen, he's the man responsible for the greatest movie monsters and fights ever, using nothing but stop-motion animation.  The man is a god, and my childhood is built on him.  Watch this:

Hey guys,

This post represents a letter to you, the few faithful readers of this collection of my life and thoughts on it.  As you may remember, I posted several paragraphs of a sci-fi story I've been working on called The Legos of God, and how I promised you I would post more at some later point.  Well, this is to let you know that while I will be sharing more, it will not be on this journal.  You see, I've actually gotten pretty serious about this story, and I have plans to try and publish it when I finish it (which may not be for several years at the rate I'm going).  As a result, I don't feel it wise to continue posting it on web, even in a first draft form.  However, I still would like to share my work as I create it with you, my friends, as I consider your reactions wonderful and your insights and suggestions invaluable in the creation of my work.  Therefore, I'm going to be creating a mailing list where I will send out e-mails every week or so with a paragraph or two of additional material.  The point of this post is to allow you to tell me if you would like to be included on said mailing list - simply reply with whether you're interested or not.  I conclude with thanking you for hearing me out in this lengthy and overly but purposefully formal post.

Sincerely,

Master Kevin Welch, Esquire

P.S.  Never purchase a durian, a fruit from southeast asia that my roommate made the mistake of trying.  You know a fruit should never come into contact with people when scared persons rush into the bathroom you are using and tell you to get out, there's clearly been a gas leak.

So, I was in my first earthquake today!  It apparently was magnitude 5.6, although it was centered about 30 miles away.  I was down in my subbasement lab working, and suddenly the room starts shaking, and I'm totally like wtf!?  It wasn't very intense, and nothing fell, but it lasted a couple seconds and was pretty crazy.  While after the fact I'm like, that was so cool, during the event I was beginning to shit my pants.  The thought of being buried under two stories of rumble was quickly flashing through my mind.  Seriously, guys, I may have post traumatic stress - I'm falling apart, help me! :)

In other news, it's not every night one climbs into bed and finds three boxes of noodles stuffed under your sheets and in your pillowcase.  Congratulations are in order for the noodle fairy, who finally decided to get off their ass.

While using the urinal today, the button to my pants came off right in my hands, no kidding.

Oh, and I've met this summer exchange student at Caltech named Veronica, whom I've taken to calling the female version of me.  Take that how you will ;)

If you haven't done so, I seriously recommend you watch La Jetee.  While this French "film" is mostly just narration over a slideshow of B&W photos, it's easily one of the best films I've ever seen, with a twist ending that you don't see coming until 10 seconds before it happens, and then you realize how poorly countless stories have ripped this twist off since.  A truly haunting and beautiful experience.  Oh, and the woman in the film is quite possibly the most photogenic woman I've ever laid eyes on.


As for my story, which is now titled The Legos of God, it's coming along, I've written about another paragraph.  I might share a little more when I've written farther.

While you're all waiting for more of my story or the happenings of my life or the weird stuff I find, here's something to tide you over.  It's my final paper in my english class this term.  It's a creative writing assignment where I had to write a fake chapter of the book Gargantua by Francois Rabelais, trying to mimic his style as best I can while detailing a love encounter of the titular character.  I think it's pretty funny and entertaining, so here it is for your enjoyment.  Note that it's rather long (this will actually probably be my longest post ever!) and it also features a lot of potty humor and dirty humor.  Before you condemn my mind to the gutter, know that the original book contains many scenes and descriptions just as graphic if not more so than my own version.  If you don't like that kind of stuff, no hard feelings if you don't read it.  If you do like this sort of thing, I hope I amuse you.